I started my leadership and coaching journey,
not because I struggled with other people,
I wanted to understand how to work with different people.
I wanted to gain leadership skills.
I wanted to know myself better.
I wanted to improve my communication skills; I knew that this was the key to being an effective leader.
If you’re like me, and you want to grow, this is the article for you.
LIVING YOUR LIFE BY YOUR RULES
Sounds impossible right?
Especially when we were always told as kids to “be nice” and “follow the rules”.
Adults around us telling us white lies,
Constantly making us do things, even though we said “no”.
(Even if it was for our own good!)
If someone came to me and said
“I have 3 steps to live your life on your terms”,
I would have thought I’d have to be selfish,
I would have thought I would create a few enemies,
I would have thought a few white lies would be involved.
This article isn’t about just doing what you want to do,
It’s about creating boundaries, learning to say “no” and doing what you said you’d do.
This might be something that doesn’t come as second nature to you or makes you feel uncomfortable.
Hear us out…. the reward for you is great.
It’s LIVING YOUR LIFE BY YOUR RULES
Nice!
PART 1: CREATING BOUNDARIES
(Sometimes easier said than done!)
You’ll notice right now you already have boundaries or non-negotiables.
Maybe you don’t work weekends, or you always play golf with Ted on a Thursday. No matter what happens, you will always meet Ted on a Thursday at 7:00pm.
However, there’ll always be a situation in which we find it difficult to say “no” too.
As a child we were told
“Be nice and hug your Uncle Albert”
“Share your toys with Linda”
“Finish all your dinner”
Otherwise,
“You’re not being very nice today”
“You’ll make her very sad”
“You wouldn’t get an ice cream”
Now when your team doesn’t complete a piece of work and you decide to do it yourself,
“I’ll have to cancel the gym”
“I’ll have to work the weekend”
“I’ll have to miss putting my child to bed”
Creating a life where you want to work 37.5 hours a week, go to the gym 3 times a week and spend time with your family/friends on the weekend…
IMPOSSIBLE.
You could blame others…
OR You can look at “What can I do about this?”
Here is something you can do
- Learn to say “no”
- AND put in boundaries
Are you ready and willing to make a change?
Write down all the non-negotiables you want to have in your life.
For example,
Finishing work at 6pm, and not answering emails or phone calls after this time.
Going to the gym 3 times a week.
Attending all my son’s football practices.
Does it seem scary?
Like it’s not going to happen?
PART 2: DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU WILL DO
You see, to be able to live your life on your terms, you also need to actually do the things you say you will do. Part 2 helps you to implement your boundaries.
You may say, “but I do everything I say I will do!”
Or you may be someone who knows they don’t do what they say they will do… and hopes no one notices!
Or you could be somewhere in between…
As a side note: Watch out especially for those things that you say you will do and don’t involve others (e.g. going to the gym). These are the things that we tend to not do to get work finished.
I’m playing monsters with my niece. I say, “One more time and then Auntie Becca is going to go in the other room and drink her cup of tea.”
We play one more game, and you know kids… “Just one more…”
At this point, you may be thinking “It’s only one more time. Don’t be mean.”
“No, Auntie Becca is going to drink her cup of tea in the other room.”
You see, I did what I said I was going to do. You know what happened next time…
She didn’t ask. She knew that what I said was going to happen.
AND she wasn’t sad about it. She just expected it.
I’m now known to her as “someone who says they will do something, and does it”
I’m on a call with my colleagues who talk a lot. I say, “We have 2 minutes left of this meeting.”
One of my colleagues keeps talking. I interrupt and I say, “I’m interrupting you, the time for our meeting is up, we will continue next week.”
My colleague is a bit taken back, and maybe even put out.
..and the next time I do the same.
..and the next time I do the same.
Until (again) they knew me as “someone who says they will do something, and does it”.
They expected our meeting to end on time, and it became a new habit.
You can see how, doing what you say you will do, allows you to start implementing boundaries.
Part 3 highlights for me, the hardest part of implementing boundaries… dealing with others.
PART 3: DEALING WITH OTHERS
It’s great that you’ve learnt to
A. Create boundaries
B. & implement them by saying “no” and doing what you said you’d do.
What happens when other people get involved?
My team member Suzie says, “I can complete the PowerPoint for our meeting on Monday.”
“Thanks Suzie! Can you email it over by Wednesday end of day?”
“Yes, no problem”, she says.
It’s Wednesday, and a reminder pings on my calendar “4pm Suzie to send PowerPoint”.
I go to Suzie, “Suzie, have you done the PowerPoint for our meeting, you said you’d be able to send it over in the next hour.”
Suzie’s face drops. “Ah I completely forgot… Linda asked me to…”
(You know the kind of excuses!)
At this point I’m ready to call Polly to cancel the cinema, and to do the PowerPoint myself. INSTEAD I ask, “When will you be able to finish it?”, “Tomorrow lunch time”, she replies. “Is there anything you need from me?”, I ask. “No, no, I can do it. I’ll put it in my diary now”.
Before, I would have thought that there’s no way it would be finished in time. By putting onus on Suzie, she found time to get it done AND I could still go to the cinema.
At first, we find that other people don’t do what they say they’re going to do.
(Or they do, but on their own terms)
But then the magic happens… (with consistency on your part)
- We start to do the things we say we will do…
- and others start to know that we will ask if they have done the things they said they’d do…
- AND we won’t “take work off them” to complete ourselves so they have to complete it.
We have more time to do the other things we want to be able to do in life…
- Getting fit at the gym
- Relaxing in the evenings
- Spending time with family and friends on the weekends
What boundaries are you creating for yourself?
Ready to live your life by your rules?
To sum up!
Part 1: Boundaries
What are your non-negotiables or what non-negotiables are you creating?
LEARN TO SAY “NO”.
BE CONSISTENT.
Part 2: Do what you said you’d do
(It’s basically in the title)
Remember: This step allows you to implement your boundaries to yourself and others.
Part 3: Dealing with others
Someone else said they would do something?
Work with them to have it finished..
Sometimes it can be uncomfortable, “Oh it’s much easier to do it myself.”
This step is key to choosing whether you have a life on your terms, or someone else’s.
