2 weeks ago I realised that I was exhausted.
I was forcing myself to do stuff, when in fact I was exhausted.
I slept for 13 hours one night and then in the afternoon I felt exhausted again.
I thought: “I’ve just slept for 13 hours, how come I’m tired?” I didn’t look that in the last 6 months I’ve been ill.
But I needed to push through.
I need to work. I need to do more and more.
I’ve seen that what I actually need is to slow down.
And I’m slowing down.
I’ve cut some of the things that I was up to and I’ve made space.
I’ve said no or not now to some people.
And now I have the space.
Sometimes it feels like I don’t deserve it.
Like I should do something for someone, or work or do something productive.
And I find it hard to just do nothing or having nothing planned for a few hours.
I feel guilty.
I should work, look at all this time I have.
But I don’t work in that time. Sometimes I meditate, sometimes I close my eyes and stay in silence.
And I start to see things and learn things about myself.
Like how much I force myself to:
- Always be available – check email, whatsapp, LinkedIn daily; what is somebody needs me?!
- Force myself to do the things that I’ve planned that day, even if I feel like s**t
- Force myself to perform to the standards that I have created which I’ll never be able to reach anyway
- Force myself to write a post that lands
I’m learning to meet myself where I am, not to force myself.
And that is new. Forcing myself is what I know, what is familiar.
I’ll survive, I’m sure 🙂
This is me, raw. This is where I am right now.
What about you? Where are you forcing yourself?
Or maybe you don’t force yourself, maybe like me, you create space for yourself.
