Feedback is rarely just feedback. As leaders, we like to believe that feedback lands in the rational mind. That people hear the content, evaluate it, and decide what to do next. But anyone who has ever felt a sharp tightening in their chest after feedback knows this is not how it works.
Feedback might land as criticism and criticism is not just information. When criticism arrives, especially from someone whose opinion matters, the nervous system reacts before the mind evaluates content.

What your body is really asking

The body does not hear, “They disagree.” “They are pointing out an issue.”
The body asks:
“Am I still included?”
“Am I at risk of being rejected?”
“Do I need to protect myself?”
“Will I end up alone?”
“Will I lose my job?”
That is why the pain is fast and sharp. Because connection matters.
Many of us were shaped in environments where belonging was conditional. Approval came through performance, competence, or being agreeable. Love, safety, or attention were not always consistent. Over time, the nervous system learned to stay alert. It learned that missteps could cost connection. So when feedback arrives, especially when it is blunt or poorly timed, the nervous system does not stay in the present. It travels backward. It scans for danger.
This is not immaturity. This is adaptation.

The problem with “Thicker skin” leadership

In leadership cultures that prize toughness, we often label these reactions as fragility. We tell people to grow thicker skin and to take things less personally.
But that advice misses the point. The reaction is not personal. The nervous system is not responding to the words themselves, but to what those words might mean for belonging, safety, and inclusion.
The body is not asking, “Is this feedback accurate?”. It is asking, “Am I still safe here?”.

When you receive feedback and it feels like criticism: what to do

When feedback lands and the body reacts, the idea is not to suppress the reaction. The idea is to stay connected to yourself while it is happening.
First, name the internal reaction: “This feels threatening.”, “My body is reacting.”
Second, separate disagreement from abandonment. Someone pointing out an issue is not the same as you losing your place, your worth, or your belonging. Even if your body learned that those things were once linked.
Third, pause the urge to respond. Notice impulses to justify, explain, fix, withdraw, or seek reassurance. These are protection strategies. They are understandable, and they do not need to be acted on immediately. Approval soothes because it signals belonging. Criticism hurts because it threatens it. When love, acceptance, or safety were once tied to performance, the nervous system learned to outsource worth. Praise meant relief. Disapproval meant danger.
If you need, request to continue the conversation another time. You can discuss the content of the feedback once regulation returns. Only from a settled state can you decide what is useful, what is not, and what you want to take on.
Leadership maturity is not becoming immune to criticism. It is staying present with yourself when it arrives.

How to give feedback as a leader

When leaders understand why feedback might land as criticism, something important shifts. Feedback stops being a tool for correction and becomes a moment of relationship. This does not mean avoiding hard conversations. It means recognising that how feedback lands matters as much as what is said.
A leader who is grounded does not rush past the human impact.
They name what is happening :
“This might be hard to hear.”
“I want you to know this conversation does not affect your place here and how I see you.”
“We can look at this together.”
These sentences do not weaken authority. They strengthen trust.

Leadership maturity

Leadership maturity is not about becoming immune to criticism. It is about being able to stay connected to oneself when it arrives. To feel the reaction without being overtaken by it. To separate disagreement from abandonment.
When leaders can offer feedback while signalling, “You still belong.” they interrupt old patterns. They create environments where growth does not require self-protection. And when leaders learn to hold themselves steady after criticism, without rushing to fix, justify, or seek reassurance, they model something powerful.
That worth is not up for debate. That connection does not disappear when things get uncomfortable. That feedback can refine behaviour without eroding belonging.
Criticism stops being a threat. That is not softness. That is grounded leadership.

I believe in you,
Andra

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